Dear Fellow Mall Shopper,
I understand with the retail collapse there is an apparent dearth of parking spaces at our underpopulated mall. But if you park ANYCLOSER next time, I am going to need to see some blood test results. Also, I enjoy climbing in my car from the passenger door, I need my flexibility training.
Signed, Glad I drive an Old Beater
Dear Too Lazy to Walk 10 more Feet,
Parking can be a complicated and subtle process. Please let me explain that if you pull up just a half a car space, another car can fit in behind you. So instead of two parking spaces, Voila, we now have three.
Signed, Not Your Parking Instructor
Dear Pair of Drag Racing Drivers,
The Fontana Raceway is approximately 90 miles east of our fair city. I do not recall making a wrong turn onto it by accident so it must be you who are mistaken.
Signed, Still White as a Ghost
Dear Management of General Motors-
I have never purchased an American car and yet now I own the company along with all my fellow U.S taxpayers. Please explain to me how the company responsible for the muscle cars of the 70s (Chevy Camaro, Pontiac GTO anyone?) and my dad's rocking 1967 Chevy Impala could lose their way so Fast and so Furious.
Signed, Not Amused
Dear Bass Thumper,
Thank you so much for the internal body massage. Everytime I am stopped next to you at a red light, I can't hear my own music or the other people in my car. I hope you plan to invest in hearing aids as you are going to deaf as a haddock by age 25 y/o.
Signed, I Have My Own Taste in Music, Don't Need Yours
(A Shout Out to Momma Val who reminded me of this aggravating occurrence.)
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20 comments:
LOLOLOL you are too funny.. no wonder the angels love you :)!!!!
Oh, I love your letters! I almost think I should print them up and carry them around and hand them out as a situation arises!
OMG Martha!
Once again hilarious!!! I was thinking of ideas to post my own loser letters on my blog sometime soon. But you are so much better at it. I don't know where you come up with such creative wording. I thought of two that are ALWAYS aggravating me with cars. I thought I'd title them "bass thumper" and "engine revver". Ha! I'm sure we can all relate. Hoping none of your readers are either of these :) Have you ever read the book by Jerry Seinfeld called Letters From A Nut? You HAVE to check it out if you have never read it before. They are not quite the same but HILARIOUS!!! A must read for anyone who enjoys humor!
I literally LOL for the bass thumper, my son was looking at me like I was crazy. Thank God for Martha's Loser Letters or that's TGFMLL!!!
Internal body massage . . . . pahaha!!!!
So, I was one of the drag racers this weekend, but I was in Chicago, and if you're not drag racing you get stuck behind a bus. That's unacceptable. It was quite funny how I could get testosterone pumping in other cars just by hitting the gas pedal!
Also, I encountered Too Lazy to Walk 10 more Feet. In front of my sister's house. I was so irritated. I had to park 3 houses down, because the idiot couldn't pull up his little tiny Honda Del Sol 10 feet.
You are too funny!
HA! You really have a knack for this. Pleeeease use that sarcasm forever and ever and ever...it is one of the things I love most about you!
Very true! :) My beef is with the cars in the HOV (carpool) lane. If you are NOT driving faster than the "normal" lanes, please do not get in the carpool lane simply because you have two or more people in your car. The lane was created to help traffic move FASTER, and you are slowing it down. Move it, busta!
Those are hilarious letters! i love them!
Omg...I need to make copies of these and start leaving them on people's cars....too funny!
love your letters... they are the best!
Those are fantastic and who among us has not have at least 2 of those instances happen. You have perfected I think the comment letters. Mind if I use them sometime?? LOL
Stopping by from SITS to say hello :)
I tagged you.
These are freaking hilarious. The sign offs are what make it.
Signed,
Is It Too Soon To Tell You I Love You?
O H
S 0 0 0
T R U E !
Hi Martha,
You nailed it again!!! Especially the bass thumpers!! What is their deal?!!!
I love your letters...thanks for stopping my blog and sharing in the Maui bliss!
SO funny. I remember seeing little "business cards" somewhere that said
"hey, jacka--, next time leave a can opener so I can get in my car"
meant to be put under the windshield of Mr "He parked too close"
Oh girl...this was too funny!!!
xoxo
Love your post... I think you must be my long lost twin!
(I just hate that bass music, we have one that lives around our house so it shakes our entire house every time they go out!)
LOL, thanks!
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