Dear Loser Letters - Automobile Edition

Dear Fellow Mall Shopper,

I understand with the retail collapse there is an apparent dearth of parking spaces at our underpopulated mall. But if you park ANYCLOSER next time, I am going to need to see some blood test results. Also, I enjoy climbing in my car from the passenger door, I need my flexibility training.

Signed, Glad I drive an Old Beater


Dear Too Lazy to Walk 10 more Feet,

Parking can be a complicated and subtle process. Please let me explain that if you pull up just a half a car space, another car can fit in behind you. So instead of two parking spaces, Voila, we now have three.

Signed, Not Your Parking Instructor


Dear Pair of Drag Racing Drivers,

The Fontana Raceway is approximately 90 miles east of our fair city. I do not recall making a wrong turn onto it by accident so it must be you who are mistaken.

Signed, Still White as a Ghost


Dear Management of General Motors-

I have never purchased an American car and yet now I own the company along with all my fellow U.S taxpayers. Please explain to me how the company responsible for the muscle cars of the 70s (Chevy Camaro, Pontiac GTO anyone?) and my dad's rocking 1967 Chevy Impala could lose their way so Fast and so Furious.

Signed, Not Amused


Dear Bass Thumper,

Thank you so much for the internal body massage. Everytime I am stopped next to you at a red light, I can't hear my own music or the other people in my car. I hope you plan to invest in hearing aids as you are going to deaf as a haddock by age 25 y/o.

Signed, I Have My Own Taste in Music, Don't Need Yours

(A Shout Out to Momma Val who reminded me of this aggravating occurrence.)