Dear Loser Letters - "I Can't Believe You Just Said (Did) That" Edition

Dear Close Friend,

Thank you so much to you and your family for gracing us with your presence at our humble abode for like the twentieth or something time as our guests.
It just warms the cockles of my heart when you tell me, that you and your hubby don't ever like to have people over, (don't I know it!!), and, that you prefer to sit in your backyard, just you two! That sounds like a great idea, as I'm sure you have a lovely backyard which I haven't seen in several years. Enjoy.

Signed,

I Finally Get It


Dear Friend and Neighbor,

I am so delighted to help you with your worthy charity and I enjoy spending time together. However, it does get quite tiresome, that whenever I make a comment about having to drive the boys to sports or school, or something else required of raising children, that you say, "I am so glad I don't have to bother with that". Every single time. I finally agreed with you, I am so glad that you don't have to bother with the culmination of my life long dream either. I hope you enjoy your sweet lemons, and no, my grapes are not sour, thank you very much.

Signed,

Never Ever Criticized the Childfree by Choice so WTF??


Dear Clothing Store Checkout Lady,

Thank you so much for processing my return without the holy grail of retail, the receipt. Thank you also for explaining I now have a "one mark against me in the computer" for returning something sans receipt. I also completely understand why you need to see my driver's license to complete the transaction. What I Do Not Understand is why you felt it necessary to use my driver's license to scratch the dry, flaky skin on your arm during this process. I gotta tell you, not too many things catch me off my guard where I don't say anything, but this one got me good. I am not a germaphobe, but I was seriously grossed out and stunned into silence. Well, at least until I got home and called the Manager about your ahem, "personal grooming habits".

Signed,

Sanitized my I.D. for My Protection and Sanity

Dear Loser Letters - Show Choir Road Trip Edition

As requested by sweet Momma Val, more Dear Loser Letters, here is The Show Choir Road Trip Edition-

Dear Moron Drivers who Drive Slooow in the Left Lane,

You have no business Ever being in the left lane which is called The Fast Lane and The Passing Lane for a reason. Now get over to the right where you belong and Stay There.

Signed, Flashing my headlights cause I'm Over It



Dear Parent with Competing High School Show Choir sitting behind us,

Please be quiet when another school's group is on stage, and No, I don't really care about your dislike of the performance. Neither did the dozen or so people around us.

Signed, Giving you "the Look" and Ready to Shush you



Dear Parents and Students manning the entry at the venue,

I am not going to come back into the building, just to satisfy your need for me to immediately Leave Again by the other door. I've made my escape, and That's Just Silly.

Signed, Thank Goodness for Volunteers



Dear Homeless Guy,

Thank you for the reminder, that what is only a dollar to me, can mean a whole lot more to you. No, I don't care what you spend it on, may you find some comfort along your way.

Signed, There But for the Grace of God Go I

Dear Loser Letters - Morons R Us or RIP Tact

Dear Fellow Soccer Team Mom,

It is always nice to chat on the sidelines with the other team parents. I especially enjoy talking with the ladies about Girl stuff and beauty grooming tips. Thank you so much for your interest in not only WHO threads my eyebrows, But How Much she Charges, and Where she does this service. Thank you So MUCH for letting me know that I PAY TOO Much, especially for someone who does it OUT OF Their House. Thank you also for sharing that you pay half as much as I do. You didn't have to tell me, I can see that for myself. Really.

Signed, You Get What You Pay For


Dear Scout Dad who Takes this Way too seriously,

It is very informative to meet with the other parents in our sons' Scout Troop. Thank you so much for telling me that making Scout Leaders more available for the boys to help with signing off on rank advancements and other administrative stuff Wasn't Needed. I had NEVER EVER Thought to use your method of helping my boys by Nagging them. Please show me the Nagging section in the Scout Leader's manual. I am sure my boys will be So Happy to have me Nag them about one more thing. Oh, I am so sorry for making you Sooo defensive, that wasn't my intent.

Signed, Remember It's For The Boys


Dear Potential Car Buyer who nitpicks every scratch on my car,

Thank you so much for telling me about every little scratch or ding on my car. I am not selling the car because I am blind.

Signed, Go Bother Someone else or Pony Up for a New Car

Dear Loser Letters - Because Life is Too Short to Hold it All Inside

Dear Large Chain Art store employee,

Another lady and I waited for fifteen minutes in the framing department to pick up our completed artwork. Please believe me when I walk all the way back to the front of store to ask you to please page the framing department guy that HE's Not There. Or maybe, he's invisible and I'm a liar?

Signed, I Retrieved My Own Picture, Thank you very much.


Dear Furniture Sales Guy,

You might not remember us but we ordered our new couch and chair 12 weeks ago!!! I understand the fabric is backordered and hopefully is due in this week, and pray tell, how do I know? I've called the store, numerous, countless times. I guess your phones don't make Outgoing calls! Or maybe your other customers just don't care about their stuff like we do?

Signed, Never Giving you my Business Again


Dear Man who called about Buying the Used Minivan,

Thank you so much for your interest in buying our used car. You, however, are too Stupid to buy our car, as you did not LEAVE a return phone number.

Signed, A NonPyschic without Caller ID


Dear House,

A self cleaning oven is a step in the right direction, but what I am really looking for is a Self Cleaning House! C'mon, we have the technology to make babies sound like investment advisors and land an ATV on Mars, this is NOT TOO Much to Ask! Especially since my hometown girlfriends from Ohio are visiting us this weekend before I spend a girl's weekend away with them in Santa Barbara and Santa Monica. C'mon, pretty please? I'll get your carpets cleaned professionally...

Signed, Not to Be Confused with the Other Martha


Dear Kid Who Stole My son's bike,

I bet you were suprised and significantly humilated, (oh, sorry for using such big words), to have a petite, middle aged woman get all up in your face and take her son's bike BACK. That's right, yessirree, I thought so, darn right. Learn anything?
I just wanted to leave you with this parting thought courtesy of the boy whose bike you stole and is now returned to him, "It Must Suck to Be you."

Signed, It Sure Doesn't Suck to be Us!

Dear Loser Letters - Retail Edition

Dear Grocery Store Cashier,

I think I hate grocery shopping almost as much as you hate working here. Ha, ha, No, I'm not pyschic or even especially insightful, your whole demeanor screams this attitude, Yes REALLY. Thank you for ringing up my order and practicing your shotput exercises all at the same time. See the bag, it's labeled PRETZELS, Not PRETZELS' Dust.

Signed, Next Time I'm Sending the Hubby


Dear Mom and Pop Petstore Owner,

I really appreciate and want to support the small business owner over the big chains. Plus, you are the closest store who carries our dog's kibble, so it's been a Win/Win. Now, not so much, not since I WATCHED you WATCH Me struggle with 30 lbs of dogfood, a purse, keys, and a kid while you smoked your cigarette by the front door. You even thanked me as we walked through your cloud of smoke while juggling all my stuff. At least the big chains offer carts and carryout service. Enjoy your smokes.

Signed, An UnLoyal Customer


Dear Department Store Merchandise Buyer,

Flutter and puffed sleeves (make that Puffed Anything!!) are not a good look for anyone over 30 y/o, no, make that anyone who doesn't work out as much as Madonna. Which is what, like 99.99999999999999999999999999999% of the female population? Also, when is the maternity look of empire waists going away? I was tired of this during my last pregnancy twelve years ago! Do you know how uncomfortable that stupid bow is in the back when you sit down? Enough Already!! Please let the designers know that polyester feels wierd and should only be used for flight suits and leotards, neither of which are on my shopping list today.

Signed,

Happy to Live in Jeans and Tshirts

How is the Retail World treating you, my fellow Consumer?

Dear Loser Letters - Automobile Edition

Dear Fellow Mall Shopper,

I understand with the retail collapse there is an apparent dearth of parking spaces at our underpopulated mall. But if you park ANYCLOSER next time, I am going to need to see some blood test results. Also, I enjoy climbing in my car from the passenger door, I need my flexibility training.

Signed, Glad I drive an Old Beater


Dear Too Lazy to Walk 10 more Feet,

Parking can be a complicated and subtle process. Please let me explain that if you pull up just a half a car space, another car can fit in behind you. So instead of two parking spaces, Voila, we now have three.

Signed, Not Your Parking Instructor


Dear Pair of Drag Racing Drivers,

The Fontana Raceway is approximately 90 miles east of our fair city. I do not recall making a wrong turn onto it by accident so it must be you who are mistaken.

Signed, Still White as a Ghost


Dear Management of General Motors-

I have never purchased an American car and yet now I own the company along with all my fellow U.S taxpayers. Please explain to me how the company responsible for the muscle cars of the 70s (Chevy Camaro, Pontiac GTO anyone?) and my dad's rocking 1967 Chevy Impala could lose their way so Fast and so Furious.

Signed, Not Amused


Dear Bass Thumper,

Thank you so much for the internal body massage. Everytime I am stopped next to you at a red light, I can't hear my own music or the other people in my car. I hope you plan to invest in hearing aids as you are going to deaf as a haddock by age 25 y/o.

Signed, I Have My Own Taste in Music, Don't Need Yours

(A Shout Out to Momma Val who reminded me of this aggravating occurrence.)