Dear Large Chain Art store employee,
Another lady and I waited for fifteen minutes in the framing department to pick up our completed artwork. Please believe me when I walk all the way back to the front of store to ask you to please page the framing department guy that HE's Not There. Or maybe, he's invisible and I'm a liar?
Signed, I Retrieved My Own Picture, Thank you very much.
Dear Furniture Sales Guy,
You might not remember us but we ordered our new couch and chair 12 weeks ago!!! I understand the fabric is backordered and hopefully is due in this week, and pray tell, how do I know? I've called the store, numerous, countless times. I guess your phones don't make Outgoing calls! Or maybe your other customers just don't care about their stuff like we do?
Signed, Never Giving you my Business Again
Dear Man who called about Buying the Used Minivan,
Thank you so much for your interest in buying our used car. You, however, are too Stupid to buy our car, as you did not LEAVE a return phone number.
Signed, A NonPyschic without Caller ID
Dear House,
A self cleaning oven is a step in the right direction, but what I am really looking for is a Self Cleaning House! C'mon, we have the technology to make babies sound like investment advisors and land an ATV on Mars, this is NOT TOO Much to Ask! Especially since my hometown girlfriends from Ohio are visiting us this weekend before I spend a girl's weekend away with them in Santa Barbara and Santa Monica. C'mon, pretty please? I'll get your carpets cleaned professionally...
Signed, Not to Be Confused with the Other Martha
Dear Kid Who Stole My son's bike,
I bet you were suprised and significantly humilated, (oh, sorry for using such big words), to have a petite, middle aged woman get all up in your face and take her son's bike BACK. That's right, yessirree, I thought so, darn right. Learn anything?
I just wanted to leave you with this parting thought courtesy of the boy whose bike you stole and is now returned to him, "It Must Suck to Be you."
Signed, It Sure Doesn't Suck to be Us!
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24 comments:
Those were great!
Feel better now?
Dear Martha,
You are my hero. Seriously.
Could you find the kid in your state that stole my exercise Ball....it was in my garage and went missing. She is around 18 y/o now, blond hair, blue eyes. It was Large and green in color. I was too chicken to take it from her when she said it was hers. Thanks.
BTW. She was 12 when she took it, and I was not yet a mom....I think I could be a bad ass like you now.
=) Kalei
Dear Weebles House,
Will you please take lessons from Martha's house on self-hygiene?
Signed, Lazy Lori
Dear Martha's Son's Bike's Thieves,
One word: KARMA
Signed,
WGACA (what goes around...)
YES!!! I love when bullies get taken down. ;-)
Hahaha! That one about the guy who called about the minivan is funny. Seriously, where was his brain. Although maybe I shouldn't be laughing... it sounds like something I would do. Hahaha!
dear martha,
these letters rocked.. as they always do! and now.. don't you feel sooo much better... best form of therapy i know!!!!
Awesome! There are many times I've wanted to write letters like these to businesses that just stink.
Glad you got the bike back...
Nice to hear that shop assistants etc are the same with you as they are with us accross the pond. Fab letters :)
I need a self cleaning house too!
hahaha these were awesome.
Ha! That's right Martha, get it all out. Thanks for sharing and I love the caller id one. We have the basics package on our land line and do not have caller id either. People are so dumb about that! Now I just love the kid on the bike one. Wishing I could have been a bird in the tree. I just love when polite kind women get all up in anyones face, especially a little bike thief. I hope he went home and cried about it. You rock Martha :) If I get Dr. Dickhead for my section, I wish you could be there to keep him in line :)
I want that self cleaning house, too! When you find one, let me know. Make sure its the REAL cleaning kind (bathtubs, toilets, dusting), not just the superficial cleaning (shoving crap in closets and under beds). I've got one of those :)
LOL. at least you got the bike back AND 12 WEEKS? WTF. you should just cancel your order.
You crack me up! I can tell you how many times citizens have called me...needing something and don't leave a phone number. Um..Duh!
wow..a self-cleaning house would be great..
It always makes me feel good to let out my feelings and you did you share pretty well. You were so brave to grab your son's bike from the "thief"!
Good for you for getting your own art work and retrieving the bike!
I love you letters!
At first I thought you had included some jokes and then I realized these happened to you... LOL.... not funny at the time, I'm sure... but you are very clever... :)
Have a great weekend with your company!!
I just love you!
A self-cleaning house?! Martha, please, don't get my hopes up. :)
:-) Loved the one about your son's bike the best though because you were awesome!
May I add,
Dear Middle Aged Man in The Elevator,
Your right to full-body dunk yourself in Old Spice ends right at the tip of my asthmatic nose- capiche?
Signed,
Mrs Spock
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