Dear Loser Letters

Dear Fellow Dog Owner:

Thank you so much for the privilege of having to navigate around your dog’s poop. I know you consider it a work of art and despite the plentiful “mutt mitt” stations and garbage cans Right Next to the Sidewalk, you are too busy reading the paper to bother with such trifle. I mean, after all, it’s biodegradable. But not until someone in my family steps in it.

Signed, Watchful Walker


Dear Lady in Women’s Restroom at Mall:

Thank you so much for educating me on proper cell phone etiquette. All this time I have made sure to finish up my telephone call or my “business”, not combine the two like you have done!! What a multitasker you are!! I am so impressed that you just go ahead and keep on chatting away all through the tinkle, the flush, the handwashing, The Whole Thing!! That’s a God Given talent it is. I know Mr.President or the Neurosurgery department or someone really important was waiting for all that vital information that you shared.

Signed, Still in Shock


Dear Sometime Scout Leader:

Thank you so much for helping us with our parenting techniques. You have opened my eyes to the efficacy of belittling and criticizing a child about Non Important things. I see it works so well with your children who have perfected Pouting to an Art Form. I appreciate that you think sarcasm is solely wasted on us grownups. We will be limiting our exposure to your toxic ways. And I’m not “Just Kidding” like you always say at the end of a biting remark.

Signed, Stay Away From Us


Dear Tightwad Mom:

Thank you so much for letting me know how wholly inappropriate and outlandish it is that my husband and I spend money as we see fit and can afford. I know I have so much extra dough lying around, but why in the world would I want to spend it on throwing a party for a kid’s birthday? I mean, a Bounce House and Burgers!! Who in the world do we think we are?

Signed, Spendthrifty


Dear Quiet But Not Too Bright Neighbors:

Thank you for showing me that regular care and feeding of my cat is completely unnecessary. Cats don’t need to be safe and warm in their homes. Running away from the coyotes and owls is good exercise and vermin is the latest “raw” diet craze for felines. Our garden makes a perfect litter box for your two now feral cats to relieve themselves. That is until I put down sprinkled hot sauce in the garden.

Signed, Sorry for the Cats