Monday, February 2, 2009
Sympathetic Ear, anyone?
I am proud to say that I am usually good natured and even tempered. However, I am human, even more so now, that it is apparent that perimenopause is kicking my a$$ with a fair degree of moodiness, insomnia, and night sweats. I have observed people, (my husband specifically), don't take kindly ever to me having a bad day or expressing negativity. I often feel like I have to edit my negative feelings. My girlfriend puts it perfectly when she said, "Sometimes you just want your husband to just nod his head and say, "Those Ba$tards." I have learned I have to use a disclaimer when I need to vent to my husband, I will tell him, "I don't need you to judge or solve this problem, I just need you to support me and listen." With the disclaimer, Mr.Sense of Humor "gets it" (well most of the time). After almost 16 years of being together and 15 years of marriage, I am still learning about marriage and our relationship. I am still learning guys feel a need to fix things when all that's called for is a sympathetic ear.
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16 comments:
Yes. I have to identify that to Mr. Spit too.
and in all fairness, if I just want to whine, I need to phone a girlfriend. No matter how much I whine about PMS, Mr. Spit, God Bless him, is never really going to get it.
Ray's great at listening to my whining and manages to laugh me out of most bad humour days. He doesn't get the girlstuff so well, he does pretty well I have to say, but sometimes only another woman can get it.
xxx
I've learned, like you, that BigB turns a deaf ear to my complaints. Not because he doesn't care, but because he can't do anything about it. I'll have tears streaming down my face, and he just stares ahead at the TV. When I finally get his attention, he says, "what do you want me to do?" NOTHING!! Just nod your head and acknowledge me!!
I just had to thank my husband for being very wonderful when I was all sad about my sibling/mother issue. The next morning I told him that sometimes he fixes things for me and helps me just by listening and offering a hug and saying I agree or I can understand that. They sure are problem solvers, gotta love them. Good luck with "the change," it was horrible for my mom. I lived with her while she was going through it. Even after the major physical change was over, the whole body and brain are adjusting for years. It helped when she tried to laugh at herself and/or mock herself when she knew she was being menopausal. Same thing helps with pms at times. Hang in there!
That's what I have to do as well - I tell the Mister I just need to talk and he just needs to listen. It' works most of the time.
I, too, have to edit my negative feelings. Even if I just comment on something (in what I consider to be a neutral manner), he tries to fix it for me. It makes me crazy, so I pretty much just keep it to myself. He has no control over his fix-it feature, so the disclaimer would not work. On the plus side, I am not the only recipient of this treatment. He harassed his mother for an hour one day over a minor incident. He just thinks that no one else has any common sense. It's a good thing that I have a sense of humor or I would have killed him by now!
Oh my goodness I remember reading about this epidemic in "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus." It's so true. Oby is the same way. I just look at him and say, "Will you just smile, nod and say 'that sucks.' instead of telling me what to do!?!?"
We have that conversation about ten times a week. Good times in marriage!
I learned this lesson about women a long time ago. I now resist the urge to try to fix things, and I'm trying to teach Giancarlo how to resist that urge with our daughters, also. But it's hard...when someone is crying and so upset. . . you just want to help them by solving the problem, giving advice, etc.
I like your label, men are from another planet. I hear you on men needing to fix things. Arg... I have to tell my husband what I need from him before I tell him whatever I am going to tell him. It would be nice if just ONCE they 'got it'. Men! :)
Yes, yes, yes!!!! I've found I need to put a disclaimer in front of statements to the kids as well. I have to start with, I'm not mad at you.... I blame that on bio though.
Ah yes...don't you wish guys could just do that sometimes? You said it so perfectly martha...Jason does the same thing. Men really are different than women. ((hugs))
Agreed, I will often tell my husband I just want him to listen as he too wants to fix everything.
He doesn't really "get" the venting thing. Although he will do it on occasion, and when he does I often think he is looking for advice.
That is one of the mysteries of marriage that will be with us forever. But - it is also what we are here for!
Oh yeah, I had to SPELL that out to my husband. Sometimes I just want to vent and need you to agree with me. Not change it, not do anything...just go with it. I think he gets it now.
I'm SO with you on the peri-menopause. Breathe deep, dress cool, and go with the flow. BAHAHAHAHA
I gave you a awesome award!!
I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it's nice to have somebody nod and listen. My hub is the same, he always wants to offer suggestions on how to fix it when I'm just trying to vent...
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