People including my own Mom and Dad warned me about the "teen years". I certainly know mine were tough, tough, tough for me and my parents with my mother reminding me that she stopped my dad from kicking me out of the house when I was 14 y/o. Gee, thanks, Mom, I do appreciate it and I guess I didn't realize it at the time, I was thisclose to becoming a ward of the state or worse, homeless. I guess I had forgotten in the intervening 34 years since my hellish youth, what an eff up I was, and that my parents, especially my Dad, who I always held in the highest esteem, was really ready to throw in the towel. My mother reminded me of this over our recent Thanksgiving dinner when she marveled at how "together you are now when you were such a messed up kid." Lovely holiday dinner conversation, no?
My crappy choices as a teen gave me serious schooling and I paid attention. As my dear friend, Kris says, "We know what it walks like, talks like, and smells like, we're not in the dark like our parents who had no clue." Even though I can't change my past decisions and journey, including all the pain and tough lessons, I don't think I would if I could. I have been tempered by the fire, traveled the hard road of insight, making amends, and been introduced to the healing effects of change and empathy. I also realized that part of my mom's difficulty in reconciling the person I was then, with who I am Now, is her lack of ownership or taking responsibility in my teen hell. Even though I was still at my childhood home, I was on my own, which gave me the gift of self reliance and independence, but it certainly carried a very High Price.
Someone should have warned my parents about the teen years, and also told them, hey, you didn't have it that Bad- I never got arrested, held back in school, or WORSE.
It is always startling and hurtful when those like our family, maintain a current image of you focused on the past, instead of the present. I hope and will work to let my boys know, that I cherish them not only for who they are as children, but also the adults they are becoming. Even when we butt heads, I know, (the hard way of course!), this is part of the journey as they transition from boys into men.
Thank you for sharing in my thoughts, teen angst and all.
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15 comments:
I was quite a PIA as a teen- but also had overwrought and mentally ill parents. I'm hoping that Mr S and I, by providing what I never had parenting-wise, can keep the teenage mayhem to a minimum.
Teen years, ugh! I'm just getting started.... AGAIN!
I keep telling myself, "I did it once and survived, I can do it again!"
Ah yes, I can certainly relate to this entry. I was rotten when I was a teenager and into my 20's too. I know now what I put my poor parents through back then, but I was lucky to have parents that never ever brought up anything from the past.
I didn't have even the tiniest problem with my daughter through her teen years and so far no issues whatsoever with my oldest son either - it's that little one that's going to give me the problems, I just know it, LOL!
just stopping by for a blog visit...I remember being a teen (with parents that just didnt understand us, raging harmones, and peer pressure)..I tried to keep that in mind when I raised my own teenagers...
when all else fails...just remember.."this too will pass"..
My parents have an image of me as a good teenager and the only thing I was good at was deceiving them that I was good.
I always said to my son when we were going through his turbulent years (who did manage to get arrested, LOL) "you are a good person, you just sometimes don't make the best choices" but I always did try to remind him that he deep down was a good person. I don't hold what he did against him and realize he has the potential to grow and do great things but (he's 20) I still wait wondering if we are done yet or not with the drama and trauma he caused. I remind myself with him, as well as his friends, that who they are today will not necessarily be who they will be in the next few years
it is hard being a teen and raising a teen I do believe
betty
I was a model teenager - just a couple things here and there. My saving grace was that my sister was an absolute horror. She did just about everything but get arrested, and I'm sure she was just lucky on that score. But, as the youngest child, it is still assumed (even though I am 40 years old) that I make foolish choices and am unaware of consequences (even though that has not been my history). My mother is finally learning to shut up about it though.
I'm sure your boys will benefit from your experiences. If we didn't have problems with our parents, we probably would not know how to teach our children better.
I can't imagine you EVER being an "eff-up".
And you are so lucky to have those boys!
When you speak about your mother, you and I have a LOT in common. Just this past summer my mom was talking to her mom about some teen things I did when I was 16. I recently discovered the term narcissistic mother and the description is mine to a T.
I pray your boys take after the older, more tame version of their Mama, not the crazy, hell raisin' teen one!
we love our moms don't we.. lol!
and glad your boys seem to be treating you halfway decent!
Oh man, what a lovely Thanksgiving dinner conversation starter. Bleh!
My daughter is two and I'm already bracing myself for what it could possibly be like in 11 years.
~melody~
Came here via SITS....great blog you've got here! :)
Wow, I did not know this of your past, Martha! I have trouble imaginging it. But then again, you did have the guts to "steal" your son's bike back, I should have known there was a well-honed badass in there. :)
I was a pain in the butt as a teen and my daughter is becoming one as well at the young age of 9 years old. But - I know she's a good kid and I was a good kid. I really can't complain. But I can about my parents. Especially Mom. I don't think she sees me as older than 16 and I'm almost 40!
I think one of the greatest gifts my Dad gave me was recognizing that I was an adult now and that I had turned out pretty good. He made mention in dribs and drabs of this but, mostly I know this by the shift in our relationship and our conversations.
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